Updated: Jan 4
I am sharing my experience in the hope to help other mothers
It’s hard to explain how my mind had been hurt, I am going to give it ago
All I know it started with me manically building a wall of photos and memories to compensate for the horror going through my mind. I had gone to supermarket and spent hundreds on photos which was very out of character. I was creating a dangerous platform for psychosis to develop. Even being my fifth time mum isn’t easy and doesn’t come with a handbook . We all think it’s going to be magical and plain sailing and perfect but sometimes in life it takes a different turn.
no-one can really understand suicide , it’s a matter that’s always hushed and brushed off to the side. It came and went, like a tide of waves stronger and stronger until the compulsion was overwhelming
My memory is very vague about postpartum psychosis. I have other people’s accounts mostly about what went on as a was stuck between a realm of reality and no reality . After I had my fifth son no one could of predicted the turn of events that unfolded. Life became painful every moment felt like there were nails scratching down my body, every thought was muddled I became erratic, hallucinating and paranoid I had visions of darkness in a human like form the fuzz voice getting louder and louder , stronger and stronger on top with the thoughts Screaming and crying to be let out . The more I tried escape the more I felt entrapped.
i was hallucinating that my baby was robotic flashes The sickening desperation to harm my baby kept coming and coming , intrusive thoughts got stronger and stronger almost obsessive as a mother at that point I would of rather of ended my life than my babies.
I held his tiny helpless body and felt my grip loosen in the water . I was no longer safe with him . I scooped him up and ran down stairs placed him in the Moses basket and dragged into other room . I could no longer bathe him in case I let him drown I was getting very very unwell as minutes and hours passed , I thought no one around me could see how bad it was getting, hallucinations and seeing things that weren’t there was terrorising because I thought it was real . I couldn’t understanding what was happening to me but I kept a diary that documented what people now call my “insight “
whats more frightening I had started to put a blanket over his little face something I had no control over smothering and drowning had became an option I wasn’t safe he was more robotic everyday I couldn’t cope with the pain any longer I Through this confused and crazy time, one event, rather bizarrely focussed me on a scrap of normality. My sister was planning to have her two daughters christened and I was to be a godparent.
Godparents are meant to be the constant and stable influence in a child’s life, guiding and advising as their godchild grows up.
I had to fight this hell I was living in and just for one day fight to be the “Auntie Leaza” my little nieces deserved.
I resisted all attempts to hospitalise me until this day would be done.
Somehow, I got through the service - the girls in their white dresses, my boys in matching suits, family, friends and photographs.
How long did this all last? I couldn’t say because I can’t really remember being any part of it.
All I noticed, at the end of the day, when people were leaving after the party was my mum. I wanted to scream as I watched her merrily clean the tables, laughing as she talked to people still sitting enjoying their drinks.
Why couldn’t she notice my distress and despair? I snapped silently and wanted to be dead. My mother must be lying to me - I had stood next to her and my dad, smiling and posing for photos.
She was false, she didn’t care. Why was she so happy?
Looking back now and talking to my mum, conversely I had no idea just how full of stress the day had been for her and all she really wanted at that point was for everyone to go home.
My mind was getting sicker and sicker. The Christening was over, I had fulfilled my role so there was nothing left to hold me up.
It was the end in my eyes - that was the defining suicidal moment.
I even watched the baby being passed around like a parcel and I felt like I didn’t care if they kept him.
I had snapped silently i wanted to be deaI took my self to the viaduct as soon as I had the chance with the baby with the intension of jumping off to save my little baby as I wasn’t in my right mind there were bars on the viaduct.
”people choose death when life feels like there is no way of living “ “not to inflict pain on others”
but I had also left my phone in the house and it was summer so I drove back to get my phone and my partner by chance saw my car and stopped it and took the keys off me .So much is foggy minded but it also made sense I should leave this world to save my baby. please remember I was very mentally unwell .