No-one can really understand suicide, its a matter that’s always hushed and brushed off to the side. It came and went like a tide of waves, stronger and stronger until the compulsion was overwhelming
People choose death when life feels like there is no living, not to inflict pain on others.
My memory is very vague sadly; i just have other people accounts,
I think i was lost between a realm of reality and no reality.
Let the chapter begin after i had my 5th son. I or anyone else around me could have predicted the turn of events that unfolded. Life became painful every moment felt like there were nails scratching down my body, every movement, and every thought was muddled into a crazy unwoven ball of wall called me.
Have you ever just felt that feeling that life is just too painful to live. I lived my life at such a fast pace, i never understood there was anything wrong. I lost all hope. The fuzz voice getting louder and louder, stronger and stronger, on top with the thoughts screaming crying to be let out.
The desperation the need to harm my baby kept coming and coming intrusive thoughts got stronger and strong almost becoming obsessive. i need and want , as a mother it became to the point i would of rather of ended my own life than end my babies.
I couldn’t even bathe my baby in case i let him drown, no one around me new how really bad it got.
Hallucinating and seeing things that weren’t there were terrifying,
I couldn’t understand what was happening, but I was very lucky as I kept i diary that documented so much of what people now call my insight .
What’s even more frighten as time progressed i began to put a blanket over his poor little face something i had no control over or understanding as i started to see this new born baby as a robot that had taken over . it got to the point it was almost him or me kind of situation , I don’t know why but i became obsessed with building a wall of photos all over my living room wall of the boys when they were young.
I became further and further detached from reality without even realising.