• Leaza jayne lloyd

The nightmare of the snorn off shot gun (domestic violence triggers)

Updated: Jan 4

Domestic violence come hand in hand with mental health

I’ve met so many people who have suffered mentally at the hands of the perpetrators. There isn’t enough help in the years that go by after the relationship male or female has ended . No negatives please , it’s taken a lot of courage to do this and help others in the future ❤️❤️ no one needs to suffer and to many suffer in silence

All this is back in 2012 I am now safe but my mind is scarred. The first domestic violence relationship pathed the to the one years later at the age of 21 I found myself in another doubly violent relationship. This one was chillingly toxic at a magnified level

I am lucky I am not dead and here to tell may story . What can I tell you about it , the title dicing with death; it pretty much sums it up in a few words.The level of violence was brutal and at a visious , at a very high level . I never knew what was going to come next. it was completely unpredictable. I became scared of being scared almost ashamed it was my faul it was happening. Due to the severity of the attacks . I was completely isolated by fear through the acts of violence committed against me . I am going to explore in writing and poetic creativity how these relationships have affected my mental health

This book could possibly be triggering to PTSD survivors of domestic abuse .

Dear diary ,

Today I am going to tell the truth about the snorn off shot gun found in my property, in 2012 it was a cold november day and the ex I had been seeing had smashed my house to pieces , he snapped every spindal on the stairs and written slag all over the walls in paint , burned my clothes in the garden smashed my bed and funiture into tiny bits. He ripped of my kitchen cuboards while throwing gloss everywhere. The anger was hurredous , he tied my underwear

to a teddy and put it up with a death threat on he smashed my toilet and sink to pieces

He absolutely ablitterated my home but he didnt touch my childrens room which made me realise he could help it and he was very calculated and if i had gone home that night he would of killed me .

So hear goes the confession of the snorn off shot gun. Too many years I lived in fear with my mind bound to dishonesty something that goes against my nature and rules my parents brought me up by. Ive lived withe secerts of crimminals for far too long and look where i am today 2020 currently sat in an acute ward .

This is how the gun was found in my property, my smashing up my house. But if you rewind a few days or weeks before here is my memory:

My heart pumped fear into my blood , my chest pounded as if knocking a heavy wooden door , a short sharp intake of breath pierced my lungs as i heard the quick rage of angry footsteps agressively clashing against the floor.

I was going to die if he found me . my shaking body hidden behind the sofa arm .

Then crack he hit me straight into the side of my head.

I knew then as the metal clashed with my head it was the gun he had been threatening me with weeks saying if i said anything he would kill my family.

The snorn off shot gun was wrapped in black bin bag , he was weilding it around like a raging lunatic, almost manic in rage, gripping my hair and chilling shoving it fown my throat . I was to scared to feel pain but my heart was pounding out of chest each breath sharper than the next next he brutally slammed me to the floor and swiftly pointed it to the back of my head , my body became ridged as if i was already dead, fear shrounded my mind as i panicked if it was loaded.

The years went by and i pushed all the trauma to the back of my mind

I’ve just lived life 100 miles an hour never stopping without realizing it i began to suffer with Post traumatic stress disorder something i thought only happens in the army , but over the last ten years its become more common in Domestic abuse relationships .

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